Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
