Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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