I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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