I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
