It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
