im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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