Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
