i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
