No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
