guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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