Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.