I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
