just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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