btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
