I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
