Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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