filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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