Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
