I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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