I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
