you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
