just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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