Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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