Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
