So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
