She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
