what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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