you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
