maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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