I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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