i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just tell him i said nine months
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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