my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I skipped work to stalk him.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
