Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
