awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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