dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
