Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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