She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
