I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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