Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
