Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
