She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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