No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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