we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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