just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
