So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
