Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
