I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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