I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
