Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
