Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
