I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
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She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
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Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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