I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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