no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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