so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
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I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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