There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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