can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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