just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
