Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
