A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize