tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Operation Purity has been aborted
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
