I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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