I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.