I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.