Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.