And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
