I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
