I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
